A Weighty Issue

I have never been thin. I will never be thin. I'm realistic about that fact. My thighs will always be big, my face will always be round, and (thanks to three pregnancies) I will always have a poochy belly. Such is life. I can't change genetics - I am built like my father's side of the family...short-ish and round-ish. Nothing can be done about the height, but I can do something about the round-ishness.

(Bear with me here...I'm very "chatty" when it comes to this topic.)

As I was growing up, I got a lot of flack about my weight. My dad liked to pick on me about it at times, as did my brothers. My mom never really did (though she apologizes profusely now for any hurtful comments she may have made). My good friends never cared that I was chubby, though in high school a few "friends" liked to comment about it at times. I let a lot of the comments slide. It wasn't worth fighting with people over...as long as the comments weren't too hurtful. It started to bother me when the douchebag I dated from 7th through 11th grades started calling me a cow. He knew I was self-conscious about my figure, and it hurt. He would come up behind me with his buddies and moo at me. It was horrible. And since he thought I was gross, I thought I was gross too. So I started "dieting". I took weight loss pills and basically starved myself. By the time junior prom rolled around, my size 14 Victoria's Secret red satin ballgown was too big. Noticeably too big. (I understand that to smaller women, a size 14 is BIG. To me, it's not. It's not a plus-size - and if you would like to debate that fact with me, let's have at it.) I think my Mom was shocked when I put the dress on and it hung from my frame.

I spent my senior year a little better. One of my "friends" was a pseudo-vegetarian calorie counter. Since I spent a lot of time with her, I started doing the same thing. More weight came off, and of course I was pleased. I was never "thin-thin"...I didn't go below a size 12 (which for me is very small). But looking back on it, I was definitely not being healthy.

Freshman and Sophomore year of college were about the same. I was still hanging out with Veggie Girl, and thus I ate the way she did. Like an idiot. I stayed roughly the same weight/size all the way through college.

When I graduated, I moved up here to be with Jon. I didn't have a job (who knew a sociology degree was going to be completely useless??), so I sat on my ass all day. I knew I was getting heavier. I just didn't do anything about it. I just kept getting heavier...and heavier. I pretty much hated my life at that point, too. I was miserable being here, Jon worked all the time (and when he wasn't working he was finishing up his degree), and I was lonely. I realize now that food was my companion.

After having kids, I put on more weight. Especially after Gabriel. Right now, I am 60 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with him, 64 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with Elliott, and 42 pounds lighter than I was when I found out about Janna. That's a lot of weight.

Having kids made me realize that I needed to lose weight. Not only for myself, but for them. It's not only so that I can play with them without huffing and puffing. I also want to show them that you can be heavier in a healthier way. Gabriel needs to understand that plus-size women are just as beautiful as thin women. My brothers (neither one is overly thin) like to make fun of heavy women. They make fun of their friends for "climbing on top of plumpers". It's disgusting. If my son EVER says anything like that he will be punished severely. I don't care if he's an "adult". My Girls need to know that what is portrayed in magazines and on TV isn't necessarily realistic. They need to know that they deserve love and respect even if their figures aren't what society deems as acceptable and/or attractive. I think that because I am such a strong influence on them, they'll get it. Their father is also going to play a huge role in their self-esteem. Every day he tells me how beautiful I am. I honestly think that's going to rub off on the kids. They will see that their [tall, thin, athletic] dad unconditionally loves their [short, round, graceless] mom. (I didn't see that when I was little.) They will never hear a negative word about their mother's body size (or their own body size) come out of their father's mouth. (I heard negativity come out of my dad's mouth daily.)

So. Society tells us that in order to be special...to be attractive...to be worthy...you must be thin. I disagree. You should be healthy. As stated above, I will never be thin. But I can be healthy.

That was my goal when I started Weight Watchers 24 weeks ago. And I'm slowly achieving that goal. I had to change my lifestyle, and I will have to use this program (or something like it) for the rest of my life if I want to maintain what I've begun. And that's a pretty daunting thing. I will have to force myself to exercise every day and keep a detailed food journal. It's been rough - and it will continue to be rough. But I'm worth it. And that's what I keep telling myself.

Just in case you were wondering, I do exercise every day. I refuse to join a gym simply because I think they're a gigantic waste of money. For me. I am perfectly capable of working out at home, and since I'm seeing results I don't see the point of throwing my cash away. But just because I work out at home doesn't mean that I am less motivated or that I am not going to be as healthy as anyone else. I don't always like it, but it's become a part of my daily routine. I don't feel good when I don't do it.

Weight Watchers has made it really easy for me to lose weight because I have to be responsible for what I am eating. For the most part, I measure everything I put in my mouth. Right now, my daily Points allowance is 26. Everything has a set amount of points, and I create our menu around that system. I also cut the fat out of almost everything we eat. The kids don't notice, Jon is more than happy to eat whatever I put in front of him, and everyone can probably tell that this system is working for me.

I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished thus far. My goals are attainable. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm me - pleasantly plump me. And I finally like me.

Weekly Weigh-In!!

The Week: Went by really fast! It was the first week back to school after the holidays, and both kids had great weeks! Gabriel was a good boy for Mrs. E. (I didn't have to stay after school once!!), and Elliott had fun at school, too. Janna also had a great week pottying! I have lost count as to how many tinkles she's made! She wears a pull-up during the day now, which is so much easier for me.

Today was spent cleaning out the basement. I'm fried, but the playroom is now ready for kids to actually play in. The old TV and stand are set up and ready to be used, and I cleaned out all of the toy boxes and book shelves. It looks really nice!

The Stimulator and a large, cold can of Labatt Blue Light are calling my name. And I'm going to answer!!

The Weight: I lost .8 of a pound this week, bringing the total to 54.6 pounds!

Stimulation and Safety

Jon and I stimulated the economy today. We finally broke down and bought a Plasma TV. While she's lovely (and very shiny), I think her 42" size is just a bit on the large size. Jon disagrees completely. He would prefer her to be larger - say 50+". Because we bought the new TV, we needed a new stand for it. Jon is right now putting the finishing touches on it. It looks really nice (I'll add pictures tomorrow), and I'm pleased. The old TV (a college graduation gift from my Dad) will go down to the playroom with the old stand. The goal is to set up a TV area for the kids in the playroom so I don't have to watch Thomas or Barbie all day long. We'll see what happens.

So after purchasing "The Stimulator" (of course I named Miss 42" Panasonic), I went to the State Police barracks to help out at my MOMS Club sponsored car seat inspection. The seats in my hog all passed with flying colors, but Jon's car was a different issue. He was allowing Elliott to ride in a seat that was a) too old, and b) without functioning chest harness (Ok, the harness works just fine, but Jon is lazy. He was just strapping her in with the seat belt and she's not big enough for that. Idiot.). So we got a new car seat. The Staties gave it to us. It's fairly awesome! And Smelliott can't wait to ride in Daddy's car!

After an afternoon of safety, I stimulated the economy some more. I bought the above-mentioned TV stand at WalMart, and then I went to Wegmans. God, I hate grocery shopping. It's tedious. I have to make the list(s), clip the coupons (and remember to take them), remember to take my reusable bags, shop for the stuff, carry it all out to the car, carry it all into the house, put it all away, and then cook it all throughout the week. And then I start the cycle all over again. I realize that we all do this, but I really don't enjoy it. And I have to wait until the weekend to do the shopping because there is no way in hell I am taking 2 kids with me. I wait until nap-time on Saturdays, then I go. It's slightly relaxing because I'm alone, but it's also nerve wracking because I hate people. No really. I hate people. I'm very impatient, and I can't stand idiots meandering through a store with no goal or purpose to their visit. It makes me nuts.

And now, I'm exhausted. I have to put a few more things away, and then I can drag my sorry ass to bed. As Janna would say, "Ni-ni!"

Let's Face It...

I'm trying to be a good wife and mother. I am trying to see the good in everything. I'm not necessarily a pessimist, but I'm not naturally optimistic either. I'm somewhere in the middle. I see the glass...sometimes it's overflowing, other times it's damned near empty.

Lately, my glass has been feeling pretty empty. My big new year's resolution was/is to not yell as much. And I'm doing a pretty good job at keeping that resolution. I know it's only been a week, but my yelling has been cut way down. I'm proud of myself for keeping my rage under control. I don't want my kids to be afraid of me, and the yelling doesn't work anyway. So, I'm cutting back. However, I find that the lack of yelling is causing a build up of frustration. Yelling is my way of venting. Healthy? Probably not. Especially when the yelling is directed at the kids. But that's the way I vent. I yell. So, instead of yelling at the kids, I'm sucking it all up. And I want to rip my face off.

I'm also feeling kind of down because my Mom has been a bit under the weather. She has a serious heart condition, and it's frustrating and upsetting knowing that she isn't feeling well (and has been in the hospital) and I'm here. In another state. 199.84 miles away. My brothers are there, and they call me if they're concerned, but it's just not the same. And I worry. Too much. And that makes me want to rip my face off.

The guilt I feel for disliking my kids some days is taking a toll on my sunny disposition, as well. I love my children. Adore them. I can't imagine my life without them. But that doesn't mean I haven't tried to. Being a SAHM to three kids under the age of 5 is hard. On the best of days it's rough. There really aren't very many truly wonderful days. No one listens. No one helps. My face? Yep. I want to rip it off.

I'm trying. Every day I try. Try not to yell, try not to worry, try not to dislike my kids (and myself), try not to rip my face off. I want to be a good mother and wife. I want to see the good in everything. But right now, I'm feeling like the glass...empty. It doesn't help that everyone in my house (and I mean everyone) has been awake since 5:32. Thank you, Jon and Elliott. Your thoughtfulness is much appreciated. It also doesn't help that it's winter. And I hate winter. Hopefully in 5 months (when Spring finally arrives in Upstate NY), I'll feel better.

Weekly Weigh-In!!

The Week: Thank goodness the holidays are over! Don't get me wrong - I love Christmas (and(and Thanksgiving and NYE). I love it for the giving and receiving, for the family togetherness, for the yummy treats...I just love it. But I also love when it's over. The chaos takes a toll on all of us.

We spent the first part of the week unwrapping presents and cleaning. The kids were so good, too. They cleaned up their rooms and packed some toys and books away for Goodwill. I rearranged their rooms and got everything put away. On Thursday Jon and I completely undecorated the house. I really didn't want to take the tree down, but every time I looked at it needles would fall off by the thousand. It needed to go. We also packed up all of the boxes and bags that needed to go to the SalVo. Jon and Elliott are dropping them off right now!! The playroom is once again able to be played in!!

Janna started pottying on the potty this week! She asked to go, so I put her on. She's gone 4 times!! I know it may seem early to start potty-training a child (she's almost 18 months old), but she wants to go. She tells you when she's going. And when she doesn't tell you, she hides so you know exactly what she's doing. Gabriel and Elliott also started PT-ing this early, so I feel pretty good about it. We'll see how it goes...

The Weight: I lost 3 pounds this week! Total weight loss: 53.8 pounds.