A Weighty Issue

I have never been thin. I will never be thin. I'm realistic about that fact. My thighs will always be big, my face will always be round, and (thanks to three pregnancies) I will always have a poochy belly. Such is life. I can't change genetics - I am built like my father's side of the family...short-ish and round-ish. Nothing can be done about the height, but I can do something about the round-ishness.

(Bear with me here...I'm very "chatty" when it comes to this topic.)

As I was growing up, I got a lot of flack about my weight. My dad liked to pick on me about it at times, as did my brothers. My mom never really did (though she apologizes profusely now for any hurtful comments she may have made). My good friends never cared that I was chubby, though in high school a few "friends" liked to comment about it at times. I let a lot of the comments slide. It wasn't worth fighting with people over...as long as the comments weren't too hurtful. It started to bother me when the douchebag I dated from 7th through 11th grades started calling me a cow. He knew I was self-conscious about my figure, and it hurt. He would come up behind me with his buddies and moo at me. It was horrible. And since he thought I was gross, I thought I was gross too. So I started "dieting". I took weight loss pills and basically starved myself. By the time junior prom rolled around, my size 14 Victoria's Secret red satin ballgown was too big. Noticeably too big. (I understand that to smaller women, a size 14 is BIG. To me, it's not. It's not a plus-size - and if you would like to debate that fact with me, let's have at it.) I think my Mom was shocked when I put the dress on and it hung from my frame.

I spent my senior year a little better. One of my "friends" was a pseudo-vegetarian calorie counter. Since I spent a lot of time with her, I started doing the same thing. More weight came off, and of course I was pleased. I was never "thin-thin"...I didn't go below a size 12 (which for me is very small). But looking back on it, I was definitely not being healthy.

Freshman and Sophomore year of college were about the same. I was still hanging out with Veggie Girl, and thus I ate the way she did. Like an idiot. I stayed roughly the same weight/size all the way through college.

When I graduated, I moved up here to be with Jon. I didn't have a job (who knew a sociology degree was going to be completely useless??), so I sat on my ass all day. I knew I was getting heavier. I just didn't do anything about it. I just kept getting heavier...and heavier. I pretty much hated my life at that point, too. I was miserable being here, Jon worked all the time (and when he wasn't working he was finishing up his degree), and I was lonely. I realize now that food was my companion.

After having kids, I put on more weight. Especially after Gabriel. Right now, I am 60 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant with him, 64 pounds lighter than when I got pregnant with Elliott, and 42 pounds lighter than I was when I found out about Janna. That's a lot of weight.

Having kids made me realize that I needed to lose weight. Not only for myself, but for them. It's not only so that I can play with them without huffing and puffing. I also want to show them that you can be heavier in a healthier way. Gabriel needs to understand that plus-size women are just as beautiful as thin women. My brothers (neither one is overly thin) like to make fun of heavy women. They make fun of their friends for "climbing on top of plumpers". It's disgusting. If my son EVER says anything like that he will be punished severely. I don't care if he's an "adult". My Girls need to know that what is portrayed in magazines and on TV isn't necessarily realistic. They need to know that they deserve love and respect even if their figures aren't what society deems as acceptable and/or attractive. I think that because I am such a strong influence on them, they'll get it. Their father is also going to play a huge role in their self-esteem. Every day he tells me how beautiful I am. I honestly think that's going to rub off on the kids. They will see that their [tall, thin, athletic] dad unconditionally loves their [short, round, graceless] mom. (I didn't see that when I was little.) They will never hear a negative word about their mother's body size (or their own body size) come out of their father's mouth. (I heard negativity come out of my dad's mouth daily.)

So. Society tells us that in order to be special...to be attractive...to be worthy...you must be thin. I disagree. You should be healthy. As stated above, I will never be thin. But I can be healthy.

That was my goal when I started Weight Watchers 24 weeks ago. And I'm slowly achieving that goal. I had to change my lifestyle, and I will have to use this program (or something like it) for the rest of my life if I want to maintain what I've begun. And that's a pretty daunting thing. I will have to force myself to exercise every day and keep a detailed food journal. It's been rough - and it will continue to be rough. But I'm worth it. And that's what I keep telling myself.

Just in case you were wondering, I do exercise every day. I refuse to join a gym simply because I think they're a gigantic waste of money. For me. I am perfectly capable of working out at home, and since I'm seeing results I don't see the point of throwing my cash away. But just because I work out at home doesn't mean that I am less motivated or that I am not going to be as healthy as anyone else. I don't always like it, but it's become a part of my daily routine. I don't feel good when I don't do it.

Weight Watchers has made it really easy for me to lose weight because I have to be responsible for what I am eating. For the most part, I measure everything I put in my mouth. Right now, my daily Points allowance is 26. Everything has a set amount of points, and I create our menu around that system. I also cut the fat out of almost everything we eat. The kids don't notice, Jon is more than happy to eat whatever I put in front of him, and everyone can probably tell that this system is working for me.

I'm proud of myself for what I've accomplished thus far. My goals are attainable. I'm not trying to be something I'm not. I'm me - pleasantly plump me. And I finally like me.